Overdoing "show" instead "tell" (Analysing Brautigan to learn writing)

Abraham Maslow once said if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  Since learning about the different between "show" and "tell" (better defined as "show an action from a character's perspective" rather than "give/tell a description"), I became a little like that, painfully attempting to change every sentence into a "show" sentence.  So, in an attempt to get over it, I analysed one of Richard Brautigan's short stories, The Weather in San Fransisco.

The story starts with quite a bit of tell.  The main scene between the butcher and the very old lady is introduced "...with an Italian butcher selling a pound of meat to a very old lady".  This could have been re-written from the butcher's or the old lady's perspective, certainly:  "The old lady's hands reached up to pay..." etc.  But what struck me about the story's beginning was that, despite the story being very much "tell", it wasn't bad.  In fact, it demonstrated many excellent literary devices--suspense, vivid descriptions, etc--all without using any "show".

After some dialogue, Brautigan finally does use some "show".  But he uses "show" to describe the main part of the scene, the very old lady waking through her house with the pound of meat.  The "tell" parts merely led up to this part.  And that seems to be the main distinction: make the main action "show".  But even this can be over-done.  Towards the end of the story there's a sentence: "walked down a long hall into room that was filled with bees".  The "filled with bees" part is a description here, but the sentences wouldn't sound better with "...where bees swarmed", especially as the sentence would move perspective from the very old lady to the bees.

Looking at this work, the "show" and "tell" rule seems a lot more blurred.  And it makes sense.  It's certainly better to write "his teeth chattered" instead of "he was cold" most of the time, but if his temperature is only a necessary scene-setting part of the story--not the main action--"he was cold" may well be permissible.

Writing to improve, throw away para

As I have no ideas for stories--or at least none I'm keen on--I thought I'd attempt to write a short paragraph with 1) an action that draws attention (a hook), 2) conflict with another (tension) and 3) a resolution to improve my writing. And make sure it was all "show" and no to little "tell".

It doesn't deal with motivation/why, i.e. a back-story. And I have no idea why I'm writing about violence, something I really didn't think I'd do. But I was attempting to think up a situation with action and an obstacle, and it was the first thing that came to mind. 

Anyway, practice makes moderately satisfactory. All comments and suggestions welcome, etc.

Neil's forearm and half-clenched fist thudded upon the grass, breaking his body's sideways fall. Clawing his fingers into the muddy grass, he looked to see the guard staring at him. "I will use my sword next time." Twisting to grip the grass from behind his head, he swung his boots upwards sending the guard flying to the ground. Neil heard the guard's sword clang on the ground and saw the open gate in full for the first time. Wrenching his body straight, he ran towards and past it, harried by the guard's cries of anger as he chased. But Neil relaxed. He knew the guard would not leave his post to chase him further, not even for a successful trespasser.

Writing advice

I planned on only writing stories or articles on this blog, but sod it. Here's some excellent advice on writing from Eric W. Trant's blog.

You’ll get there. To the end. Finally. And guess what?—it sucks. The whole book. Full of these twists and holes and God am I ever going to get a book published? Hemingway said, “All first drafts are shit.” Remember those words.

Schrödinger's wife

Annabella Schrödinger could make no sense out of her husband. She had taken to staring at him out of confusion, pressuring him to make sense.

"The cat! It's the cat! Dead or alive--we don't know! My love, the cat! Mittens!" was the last thing he had said before hunching over his study's writing table for the night.

Glancing away from her husband's frantic scribbling for once, she walked into the living room to confront the slew of books, papers and notes he habitually left behind.

Kicking some books into a corner, the side of her foot hit a sealed box. "Meow," the box said back to her. "Ah, Mittens. At least you're okay."

England goalkeeper David James holds key to falling crime-rate

Some intrepid research--if watching BBC THREE counts--told me that that poor, young adolescents are violent towards other poor, young adolescents to warn off other poor, young adolescents from being violent towards them. Got it? Good. And then those poor, young adolescents who received that violence then become targets and so have to prove themselves by being violent towards other poor, young adolescents who...

There's an analogy here. And it's England's 2004 World Cup qualifier with Austria.

England goalkeeper David James made a particularly bad howler, causing opposition Austrian strikers to attempt shots from pretty much anywhere, just in case. And that only stopped when James proved himself by stopping a ball hitting the back of the net for once. James here represented the victim of violence, and the opposition Austrian strikers the perpetrators of further inner-city violence.

If, say, instead of having to prove himself on the pitch, the England team voted for a job placement scheme substituting those Austrian strikers into different professions--Law, Banking, Accountancy, Administration, 18-30s Holiday Group Leader--then James wouldn't have needed to prove himself by saving further shots on goal. Indeed, there would be no more shots to save!

That's 1) the key to a falling crime-rate and 2) the only way we're going to win the World Cup.

Heavenly Drugs

One day on Mount Sinai, a fresh-faced Moses found a spring of ethylene. "Finally, some currently-legal entertainment!", he exclaimed, beginning to delegating coherent conversation to someone else.

His older brother Aaron wasn't impressed. "Druggies."

Moses's voice was intense and certain. He wouldn't shut up nor make any sense. First class messenger-of-god material.

Aaron was sober. Aaron was an entrepreneur. Aaron had access to a chisel and large slabs of stone. Aaron was the world's first PR man.

Underused Interview Question #34

Question:

Can you give an example of when you sacrificed a baby lamb for religious purposes? 

Answer:

This question is not as simple as it seems. Interview questions often have hidden pretexts, and this is no exception. The interviewer want to know your motivation for the sacrifices before he or she can trust you in the workplace. You should really let your piety gush.

Average Male Colon length

The Sun measured top Public Sector workers in nurses last week. One guy was paid 22 nurses a year!

No one measures anything in average male colons (AMCs), I've noticed. There are 6 feet in an AMC and over 31 AMCs fit in the Albert Hall lengthwise.

There's something pleasing about imagining your body-parts splayed out when pondering length. It worked for feet.

AMCs.